The green grass on the other side of the fence

Ever since I became a mom, I wished that I could stay home with my baby. I was financially unable to do so at the time, so I went back to work. I was green with envy of the stay at home moms. I suffered from guilt to the highest degree that I was at work instead of home with my baby.

Then I gave birth again. Another sweet little baby boy. My heart hadn't changed, but neither did our financial situation. And we had another mouth to feed and another to buy diapers for. So, off to work I went again. And I was still jealous.

Mind you, I had everything in the world. A husband who adored me, 2 healthy baby boys, a nice home, a nice car. Loving family. Many great friends. EVERYTHING. But I didn't see it that way. I still felt like I was being jipped because I couldn't have all of that AND be able to afford to stay home.

By the time I had my third child, I suffered from mommy guilt so bad that I couldn't hardly see straight. I cried all the time. I know I was a good mom and did the best I could, but I felt like I was the worst mom in the world. Every single day. As if being a working mom of 3 with a husband who worked way more than the average man (and unfortunately still does) wasn't exhausting enough, I completely exhausted myself with my own constant thoughts of not being good enough.

Some women love going to work. I did not. I don't think I was made up that way. I wanted to be at home with my children.

Slowly, we began to realize that with the amount of money we were spending on child care (do you have any idea how much childcare for 3 children under age 5 costs?!) in addition to the expenses of my working (gas,clothing, etc.) we really weren't holding on to much of my salary anyway.

So, when Gracie was 8 months old, I quit my job to stay home. But not just to stay home, I was becoming an official employee of our company. It would be my responsibility to keep up with all of the office work.

I was getting what I always wanted! I was going to get to stay home with my babies!!! And it was going to help my husband so that he didn't have to shoulder that office work responsibilty any more. We would just adjust our standard of living to deal with the fact that my good paycheck was no more.

I was so glad to be home. But it wasn't long before I started feeling jealous again. You know who I was jealous of now? The stay at home mom. The mom that just got to stay home and take care of her children and her home and didn't have to work at home. Yes, I was home, but I worked from home too. And that was harder than I ever anticipated.

Do you know how hard it is to get office work done with a nursing child attached to you almost 24/7? I didn't either... it's hard. Trust me. When she wasn't hungry, she was usually bored or fussy or sick. I became the champion of using my boppy pillow and nursing with no arms or hands required so I could feed her and type at my keyboard at the same time. And I could also work at the desk and bounce her bouncy seat or rock her car seat with my foot simultaneously. And don't forget about the other two wild boys running around while I was trying to figure out how to keep the infant happy. And one of those boys was going through the "Terrible 3's" at the time. How 'bout them on the job skills? No one ever taught me this stuff in all my business training classes I'd taken through the years! (I have no idea how we all survived that time of life... Honestly, the fact that we're all still alive today just shows how God had mercy on me!)

Three years later, I'm still a work at home mom. I still have days when I have those pangs of jealousy.... looking over to that other side of the fence. When I look at my laundry and dishes piled to the ceiling. When I'm serving my kids spaghetti o's or hot dogs instead of healthy home cooked meals. All because I have to spend most of the day in my office working instead of taking care of those things. The main thing is that I don't have time to really play with my children or spend time with them. I'm up and down from my desk all day making meals and snacks and drinks, being the referee when the sibling rivalries erupt, helping with things, switching laundry, etc. But I feel like I'm scatter brained all day and I don't ever really get much accomplished on any front. And every day I feel guilty that I didn't spend as much quality time with each of the kids as I need to or want to. Or if I do take a day to spend time with the kids, I feel guilty that the office work is behind. The mommy guilt didn't go away, it's just a little different now.

So, I still think the grass looks greener on the stay at home mom side of the fence than it is on the work at home mom side. But, I know that there are moms who are working out of the home who long to be home with their kids and would love to be where I am right now. Just like I sometimes long to be where my stay at home mom friends are.

I've learned alot about being content through the years, and I need to and want to fully embrace everything I have each day without EVER thinking about what I don't. But I'm still a work in progress.... I'm still on the journey. I admit that I still have my days where I longingly look to that other side of the fence.

I recognize that even though I have to work more than I'd like to have to, this is God's plan for my life and I need to do it to the best of my ability every single day. I don't have time for hobbies(I haven't scrapbooked-which I LOVE- since I was 5 months pregnant with Gracie...in 2006) or much time for friends. I don't watch tv (ok, I do dvr a few shows and sometimes I get to watch them late at night after the kids are in bed...) And I know my kids know I love them. I do the best I can and when they get disappointed that I can't do this or that because I'm working, I try to gently and patiently explain to them (again) why I have to work and that I'm working as fast as I can so maybe I can do the thing they're asking me to do soon. I pray that they will always know how much I love them, even when they can't remember the last time I sat down and played a game with them, threw the ball with them or played Barbies.

The moral of the story as I see it:

The grass might indeed be greener on the other side of the fence.

But I HAVE to remember every day... that the grass is pretty green on my side to.