Unexpected feelings

This adoption journey has had me on a roller coaster of emotions for the past 13 or 14 months.

It was almost exactly a year ago that the journey really started for us. We spent November to Mid-April praying, researching and soul searching. Then it was Mid-April that we officially started the process with our agency.

Quite honestly, (I’m a little embarrassed to admit this publicly…)as we were just remotely considering it, I wondered if I could REALLY love an adopted child like I love my biological children. I mean, I thought I could. But how do you know for sure? We were never the couple who always dreamed about and planned for adoption for our family. It actually just kind of came out of nowhere for us. So of course, we had lots of questions…and fears.

When I talked to other adoptive parents, or read books or read blogs, I was assured that I could. Sometimes with a smile and a pat on the back with a “oh, you’ll see!”

So, we took the leap of faith and just trusted that all those people were right and that God had laid all of this on my heart for a reason. We would go forward with the adoption journey and I decided this was something that I didn’t need to be worried about.

And you know what… it wasn’t long before I already knew they were right!

It might sound crazy to someone who’s not experienced it… it did to me at one time as well. But, as soon as we got off the phone for our orientation with our agency, the emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like someone said, “you’re pregnant!”

Before long, I realized that I could honestly say that I loved her already. Just like I loved my biological children when they were in my womb- before I met them. The feelings of anticipation, excitement and joy are no different than when I was pregnant with each of my three biological children.

It’s so weird. I just never really expected the feelings to be so intense. But, it’s such a good thing! It’s such a comfort to me that God is allowing me to feel these emotions so intensely because at one time, I was doubtful that it was possible. Without ever seeing her face, I already love her. So much.

With each day, week and month that passes by, the intensity in the feelings and emotions are getting stronger. I’ve always been the natural Mamma type that intensely loves my babies. I’ve always been the impatient type also. The 9 months of pregnancy seemed like an eternity to me each time as well. I just wanted to get the show on the road and get that baby in my arms. This time, it’s no different. I’m impatient. I’m ready to have my baby in my arms now.

What is different this time is that she’s not physically with me. I can’t feel her. She can’t hear my voice when I speak, sing or pray over her. I have to trust God to keep my children safe every single day. I ask Him to bless them and keep them each day. But there is some element of the “mother hen” in me that makes me feel like I’m the one keeping them safe and protected. While I’m sure I do have a hand in it, ultimately, I know that it’s God who holds them in His hands.

So, while I trust him where my children are concerned every day already, this time around with child #4  it’s a whole different level of trust that I’ve not experienced in my life before now. I have absolutely no part in her safety, health or well being at this point. Nor will I until I make the trip to bring her home. All I can do is pray. This part is hard for me. And I’m sure it also contributes to my impatience! And it is such a good thing! God is shaping me and molding me each day through this process. I’m not the same person I used to be and I hope that each day I’m one step closer to being all He created me to be! I think He’s taught me SO much about trust and faith in the past few years, but now He’s teaching me to trust Him on a deeper level than I ever have before. And I’m so thankful for it! I’m thankful that He is patient and loving as he guides me through these life lessons. I’m sure I’m not the greatest student…

I just look so forward to the day I will get to hold my new daughter in my arms. I think about it. I dream about it. I talk about it. I write about it in my letters to her.

I know that it will happen and that all the waiting will be worth it. I know that it will get harder before it gets easier.

I’ve got my seatbelt on and I’m ready for the rest of the ride!