Note: I didn't really check this post for editing. It's long. You might not even care to read any of this. But that's ok. It's just my attempt to share some of my jumbled thoughts and get them out of my head. I just thought you needed to know that I don't have it all together. Since I usually just share the pretty stuff here, I don't want you getting ideas that there's no ugly in my head that I have to deal with :)
And quite honestly, I rarely read blog posts where waiting families talk about the feelings associated with waiting, etc. Sometimes I begin to feel like I'm the only one who's struggling, which further leads to my feeling like a failure because I don't have it all together all the time. And when I stop and think about it, I really don't think it's true. I think we all struggle in our own way, but I really don't believe it's easy and all roses for anyone who's on this journey like us. So if you're reading this and you're struggling with your feelings and emotions, please know that you're NOT alone!
So- for better or worse- here's a glimpse into my messed up head!
It's no secret- I've shared this numerous times- I'm a planner. I saw this quote somewhere as a younger person:
"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."
I took that to heart and have been a planner ever since. I have a love affair with my calendar/organizer and I'm the nerd that loves writing things down months in advance. Part of that obsessive planning can be a good thing. Having 3 kids who are all in school and all involved in many extra-curricular activities would be an absolute nightmare if I didn't keep the calendar neatly organized. Almost every school day one of the kids has something special at school- a meeting, a conference, pajama day, bring "xyz" to school day, tests, parties, etc. Plus, I pay a decent sum of money for soccer, dance, guitar lessons, tutoring, etc. I'd be really upset if we missed something with no excuse! B did miss a guitar lesson the week of Christmas when Jason was super sick with strep. I had been tending to him all day then had 3 class Christmas parties/ last day of the semester stuff going on that day and I just totally forgot! I didn't even think about it until after 7 that night! It was on my calendar, but I just didn't bother to look at it all day. Lesson learned!
Anyways, you get my drift. Sometimes all the planning is definitely to my advantage.
On the flip-side, it is to my detriment at times.
Namely the big-picture-scheme-of-life stuff. It's fine and good to have general ideas and goals, but if you are one who flips out about not being able to pencil dates in on the calendar... Well... Let's just say there's been some flipping out over the last year or so on my part.
My husband's work schedule is even more unpredictable than Arkansas weather. (If you can believe that!) We can't really schedule trips or vacations very far in advance because it all depends on what he's got going on at work. We took a nice vacation in the Summer of '09. Didn't do anything in '10 because we were in hard core adoption savings mode. By the time Summer of '11 rolled around and our adoption process wasn't moving along (not able to plan for that either!) I was just done and begging for a break from reality for a few days. It didn't look like we'd be able to get away because of work. Then, suddenly, Jason called one day to say it looked like he might be able to spare about 5 days. I was on the computer asap and had a condo at the beach rented before the sun went down that day. We were gone in less than a week and got to stay away for about 6 days. It worked out, but it drove me crazy! I would've loved to plan it out months in advance and been looking forward to it all that time!
I'm already having that same battle with myself inside my head over the very same stuff this year. We are not planning to take a family vacation this summer because J and I are HOPING we'll be going to Ethiopia at some point this year. Hopefully TWICE!! In my head: "but what if we don't?! Then we don't get to get away for some fun at all! And we'll all really be going crazy!!"
I think this kind of stuff is what's been the hardest about our adoption process for me. The expectations on timing have just changed so much since April '10 when we started. I had penciled in 8-9 months for a referral. Then about 6 months after that she'd be home! By that plan, she would've been home over 4 months ago! And yet here we are, still waiting on a referral. With no idea how much longer we will wait for a referral or how long it will take after that to get her home. No idea. And.friends.it.is.killing.me.
I had this perfect little plan all worked out. Including how well I thought God's call on our life fit into my life plan! :) We got married young and made the decision to be young parents so that we could have the energy to fully participate in every aspect of their lives AND we'd still be young-mid 40's!- when the youngest graduated from high school. Then we'd still have plenty of life (and more money?) left to enjoy each other and see the world and do all of those things that we chose to forego as newlyweds when we started our family so young. Adding 1 more little one right into the mix just a few years younger than our youngest seemed to be a perfect plan! The siblings would be good ages for growing up together and everything! We'd still be pretty young when she's grown too! Only now, with all of the waiting, the age gap between all of our children is getting wider and wider... They are now age 11, almost 9 and 5.5.... Stretch. Stretch. Stretch. We are all stretching. Our expectations and plans are morphing right before our eyes. And I'm ok with it for the most part, but I do still have freak outs from time to time :) I will say that I am SO glad that the initial expectations were different, or I'm afraid that I would've been too afraid to veer off of my own plan far enough to even begin this process. And despite everything, I really am so glad we are on this journey. I really am!
Owning our own business, it's not like it's going to be easy to pack up and leave at any ole' time either. There are LOTS of things that will have to be taken care of beforehand! And we have to have a plan for him to be reached almost at all times... How do we go about that?? And who will do payroll and invoices while we are gone?? Those things can't wait! If I had a clue on a timeline, I could start preparing for that. But I don't. So I can't. Contributing to my crazy.
There are opportunities for jobs that J will have to be here if he takes them... But we don't have any clue when we will need to be out of the country... So do we take the job? (In this economy, who wants to turn down work?!?!?!) Or not? So, we talk everything through and pray about it. Not such a big deal on the short term stuff, but on the more long term stuff, it can get tricky. Eventually we have to make those decisions and be prepared to live with them no matter what happens. My hubby is so go with the flow-- he just doesn't get all worked up about those details. But I do! All the hundreds of details that are so up in the air just drive me insane.
I'm really trying to turn all of those thoughts over to God when they enter my head, and praying that I will trust Him and not worry about it. But sometimes, it seems like those thoughts and details are coming at me like rapid fire and I just get overwhelmed.
This past week was one of those weeks when I just felt overwhelmed and hopeless all week. I cried every day and actually even felt a little disconnected from my life. I just felt like I was in a fog... Just moving about like a robot checking things off my to do list because I had to.
It's not like I'm not talking to God about all of my hopes and fears and every detail... Believe me, I am taking it to Him first. But, have you ever just gotten to a point where you just don't even know how to pray for the same thing one more time? Where you've searched the scriptures and journaled the ones that He shows you to help you persevere through the situation you are in, but you reach a point where you've duplicated those same scriptures over and over and you just start to feel a little numb... Or when you start to realize you sound like a spoiled child who's begging and begging and begging over and over and over again for the same thing and the poor parent keeps repeating "No. Not now. I might give you that another time, but not today", etc. And the brat keeps asking! :) Well-- that's kind of where I was last week.
I had a heart to heart with J around the end of the week and that helped. I put some plans into motion to try to get out of my own head and provide a bit of a distraction. I decided to finally start painting the cabinets in our house. And boy, is this a project! And in the middle of my crazy busy tax time?! What WAS I thinking?? Also, we are going to make time for a much needed date night for just the two of us this weekend. This will be the 2nd date we've had since school started. We are definitely over due... I really think that will help me get the rest of the way out of my "funk" too.
I share all of that just to keep it real. This process is certainly not glamorous. It's real and hard and painful and beautiful all at the same time.
I know that this is the refining fire that is changing me and molding me and shaping me into more of who God wants me to be. Let's be honest though, being refined isn't fun. Sometimes I feel like I just can't take the heat anymore and I want to run.... But that's when I can most feel the prayers my biggest supporters are praying over us. (And I KNOW there are so many that are continuing to pray for our family!! Thank you SO much!!) That's when the Word I've studied through the years comes to mind and I can't escape it even if I try. I know the truth of Christ's sacrifice for me so that I can live a life filled with joy and hope and purpose and I know the height and width and depth of God's love for me. I have to remember that He has a perfect plan, even if it's so far from my own plan that I think is better. Some days, I have to remind myself of that hour by hour and minute by minute. Whenever this stage of my life comes to an end, I will be able to look back and see just where God was working and how he was using my circumstances for his glory.
For now, I just have to be content in remembering that his power is made perfect in my weakness (and there's plenty of weakness here...) and trust that he is still working. Even when I can't see it or feel it or touch it.
Ah, Faith....
And the tangled web it weaves when I try to mix it with my own mortal plans....
There's only room for one boss- one maker of the master plan. And this is me realizing, yet again, *sigh* that it ain't me.
